I lost.

I lost. The whole game. I lost it. I thought i'd win, but lets face it, i never win. I never could.

I just sat there and tried to pretend everything was gonna be allright. But it wasnt. I allways get hurt. I allways end up last, last choice. All the time. I allways get hurt. Or i'm too late to win. I feel as if someone took my faith and crashed it into a billion pieces. I dont think i'll beable to speak to someone about it. I lost. No differense in life. I just lost.

Dreams

She woke up, wanting to burst into tears. Three heart burning dreams lingered in her head. She wanted nothing more than to run from them. But she didnt. SHe just layed in bed, running through each one. Wishing they would just shatter like glass. They didnt.

She let a tear fall for everyone. Thinking how vivid, how scary, how unrealistic. There was no getting out of it. They're stuck there. Maybe not forever, but atleast, for the rest of the day.


So that was basicly my morning ^^^^ Incase u didnt know. It was just something i wrote. Probably gonna turn into a poetic story.

Anyways.

So my dreams basicly are stuck in my mind intell tomorrow i'm guessing. The first one was of my frend. my ex-bestfriend actually.

I was sitting in her room, going through her stuff with her to sort it out. It was when we where in school last year, i found a note in there. It was writen to her. A love note.

I read it, it was well writen, and it had songs in it and all these wonderful things. Then i looked on the back, and noother than my crush himself. a picture of him and words that said "I love you babe." dedicated to her. I just dropped the note, dispite of her telling me it was along time ago, i ran out. But like a isaid before, i didnt even know i liked him untill summer was over.

The second one was when I was small, like rlly small. bug small. Everything was so complicated and i couldnt understand any of it. everyone expected me to do something big. But i couldnt do it.

Then the last one was with my family. for some reason, we had to kill ourselves. like destroy ourselves.. i cried. i couldnt decide wether o run or do it... someone tell me what these mean?

Oh boy.

Okay, so the Funny boy KNOWS i like him. And he completely tricked me into it! Was all "Oh, no i actually forgot what you said." And then he tricked me into telling him! That Douche bag. He knows i like him now. Oh well, things Will be alittle aquward now. But i feel better me ;] <3 Sadley enough, he doesnt feel the same way. I'm stuck in the friend zone.. Great. Wish me luck!

HA!

THANK GOD! He doesnt remember. I feel so happy. I wish he kinda did though. But he said he didnt. Though he maybe just trying to protect our Friendship, i am glad. But kinda hurt. But still, i'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. I need him in my life :']

Music

I love this. I really need music right now. It just. Helps. It really does. It can make u feel better. And go with your feelings. I like to do the opposite. Listen to happy music when i'm mad/sad. Thank god for talented ppl. Without you, i'd probably be going crazy right now. Right now, I want to give up on my diary. I'll probably do what i told my niece and burn it. Or do what she said and barry it so noone can ever find it. Or someone might, then brake it open, read it and be like, "whoa, This chicks got some seriousley bad writing... Which i do. I seriousley do...

I basicly got nothing to say. I'm sick. Bleck. And have been for about a week. No suprise though. My mom is sick too. So I guess i caught it from her. Nevermind. I just wanna take a long, maybe 5 hour nap? Yeah, i know, crazy right? Oh well. Ttyl. Pce.

Opening. Me. Completley confused.

Hey, I'm Bryanna. I'm not to sure anyone will really read this. But hey, its a blog. A typical teenager that goes through life and its problems it throughs at her -.-. Thanks alot. Life is just a way to learn. Well, I've learned alot. Family, confusion, hatred, friendship, changes, crushes. All the stuff that people expect us to go through. Well, Right now. My main problem is a boy. Not gonna tell you who, but here it is.

So, technically, i didnt ask for anything. At all. I basicly went through life thinking about all the stuff that could happen not paying attention to what I really thought, really felt, really knew. Reality. Thats it. Thats exactly what i didnt pay attention to.
Now i'm not a big fan of reality. Not at all. Like seriousley. Not a fan. Its just how I can go through life letting things fall through my fingers like sand. So I pull the stupidest thing i can. The friend card, thinking that way, maybe if i drop suddle hinds, he'll know that I like him. But no. It wasnt my intention at first. I first met him and found him kinda... Well, kinda odd. So I go with that. Try to get to know him better.

So as I get to know this guy better, i feel like we get closer. Then he gets a girlfriend. I feel this urge to ruin their relationship, but dont. 1- shes one of my friends. 2- I'm not that kind of person. 3- I didnt even know i liked him yet.

then the school year ends. I talk to him over the internet and we become closer into becomeing one of eachothers bestfriends. Problem. I figure out i like him. Rating? Bad. So I find out who he likes, and that she likes him back. Not good. So I try to get them together because he's all sad and that just lead me to frusteration. I couldnt go through with it. So I felt like avoiding him. Bad idea. I told him why which made me mention i like him. Now i'm pretty sure he's avoiding me. And i'm 100 % sure i just ruined a really close friendship.

Oh great.